aah .. Thursday nite .. tomorrow I will be on sabbatical leave ... I need this break ...

All that needs to be done in the office is finally completed ... next week will be a new beginning (again) .. gonna get my new team lead .. wonder how she's gonna turn out to be .. already hearing news about her kiasu attitude ... reminds me of the song ... "I WILL SURVIVE" .. hmmm ... another round of that I guess ... never seem to see the end of that survival factor ... as long as one is alive .. that will always be one of the fav verb

Tomorrow .. the plan is ... go for marketing with Ummi .. that drive out to hot spring first .. than stop over at the jungle .. trek for 2 hrs maybe .. I need to see cooling waterfall ..my secret hideout (hopefully no tigers find their way there) .. come out .. send abah for friday prayers .. pick-him up ..
go to KLCC .. trained by paul .. go for eye treatment at clarins .. meet kelly .. go home .. meet ariff at 830pm .. go to nina .. collect laundry .. that back home ...

how that for a hectic life .. hehehe ...

Competition

My main weaknesses is ME
My core strength is ME ..
Therefore, I must learn to balance my principle ...

I most hate ME
and I love ME too much
Therefore, I must place myself second to others ...


ME represents perfection
and most imperfection reflects ME
Therefore, I must push myself to be humble ...

My best friend is ME
My worst enemy is ME
Therefore, I must look for guidance ...

I never walk alone ...
because if I walk alone .. I will lose my path ...

So I challenge myself with the best competitor I can find
and this competitor is
ME ....

For I could never be able to walk in ALLAH's earth steadfast in principle,humbled, guided if I don't put the worst of me in front ..

Can't sleep again ...

Darn, its almost 3:00 am .. my brain feels tired .. but my eyes refuse to follow natures automatic response to night time .. darn darn darn ..

I am gonna feel like a zombire tomorrow morning ... *sigh* ...

Missed my fitness session this week .. because I have to finish my working paper ... how I wish people with power are more consistent with their words ...

I really wonder what am I exactly doing with my life ..??

Have I allowed things and events and emotions to pass by me without taking opportunity thats been 'offered' and again blaming things that doesn't happened as 'not-fated' .. urgh .. I still dare not jump into that bandwagon of uncertainties that you will always find when you enter into the 'relationship' path ... nope ... not yet ...

jeeps ... am I such a loser ... news flash .. I AM NOT A LOSER ... not gonna let anything or any one put me down .. muahahahah ... hey I like what I see in the mirror ... with all the imperfection .... because I am a 'beautiful' soul .. because I do not allow myself to sell short with coldness, selfishness and arrogance ... I find there are people whom are good at that .. they feed their ego and self-proclaimed worthiness by 'pointing out and looking down .. slow, unfocus, people like me' .. news flash .. my conscious are 'clean & clear' compared to them whom exalted from others weaknesses ... gosh .. why should I worry myself about their existence .. its either them or me to take that role in life .. and I'm glad its not me ...

Darn .. got to force this eyes to sleep .. eyes sleep .. coz the body and the brain needs it terribly ... eyes please please please sleep

Its a sad day ...

There are days for hellos and goodbyes ... and for the thousandth times in my life I have to say goodbye again ...

Something that never has the chance to begins ends ... whatever ... life goes on ...
and yet why do i am i holding back these tears of mine ...

Some things are better left hidden and unknown ...

a new year .. a new beginning ..???

I wrote this in 2006 .... my lowest point ever ...

I have let a few months passed by .. without adding a single alphabet in this blog ...

Life for the past 6-months has been a nice comfortable ride ... a bump here there ... but no bruises experience this time ...

My parents went for pilgrimage for 42-days ... weeks that I've spent with much thinking done ...

That the day I dread most arrived .. Valentine .. and it washes me with memories and wishful thinking ...

I have got over my lossess ... but I fear the uncertainties of my future ...

I've put aside these for far too long and now there's no more corner to turn to but face the truth ..

This March, I will be 38 years old .. and looking back and the list of achievements and lost opportunities ... waliao ... lost opportunities dominated ...

My mom returned for the Holy Land with so much hopes to a change in me ... and how I so so so wish to be able to fulfill them ...

What are my fear ...

rejection
dissappointment
weak
emotional dependencies
low purchasing power

I feel claustraphobic ... not because I accidentally enter an enclosed walls ...
I feel claustraphobic because of this tight enclosure I felt in my heart ..

Try as I might .. I can't force myself to be chirpy any more ... it felt .. pointless ...

I yearn to feel secure of having someone to lean to ...
I yearn to feel again that comfort feel that I can reach out to someone that one call one's love ...
I yearn to feel safe, to love and be loved ...
Yet I can't trust my own emotions ... fear that it could be misguided or misplaced ...
Because I do feel too delicate now ... to go throught any more dissappointments ...
I am soooo tired .. and sooo insecure ... and so afraid ... and so uncertain ...
I am such a coward ... and I can't see the light at the end of the road to lead me out of this misery ...

All I can do is cry at night and smile during the day ..
And yet I yearn and yearn and yearn ... in fear ....

Somebody ... help me ...