a new year .. a new beginning ..???

I wrote this in 2006 .... my lowest point ever ...

I have let a few months passed by .. without adding a single alphabet in this blog ...

Life for the past 6-months has been a nice comfortable ride ... a bump here there ... but no bruises experience this time ...

My parents went for pilgrimage for 42-days ... weeks that I've spent with much thinking done ...

That the day I dread most arrived .. Valentine .. and it washes me with memories and wishful thinking ...

I have got over my lossess ... but I fear the uncertainties of my future ...

I've put aside these for far too long and now there's no more corner to turn to but face the truth ..

This March, I will be 38 years old .. and looking back and the list of achievements and lost opportunities ... waliao ... lost opportunities dominated ...

My mom returned for the Holy Land with so much hopes to a change in me ... and how I so so so wish to be able to fulfill them ...

What are my fear ...

rejection
dissappointment
weak
emotional dependencies
low purchasing power

I feel claustraphobic ... not because I accidentally enter an enclosed walls ...
I feel claustraphobic because of this tight enclosure I felt in my heart ..

Try as I might .. I can't force myself to be chirpy any more ... it felt .. pointless ...

I yearn to feel secure of having someone to lean to ...
I yearn to feel again that comfort feel that I can reach out to someone that one call one's love ...
I yearn to feel safe, to love and be loved ...
Yet I can't trust my own emotions ... fear that it could be misguided or misplaced ...
Because I do feel too delicate now ... to go throught any more dissappointments ...
I am soooo tired .. and sooo insecure ... and so afraid ... and so uncertain ...
I am such a coward ... and I can't see the light at the end of the road to lead me out of this misery ...

All I can do is cry at night and smile during the day ..
And yet I yearn and yearn and yearn ... in fear ....

Somebody ... help me ...